As I look back on our son's childhood, I recognise that much of his 'difficult behaviour' came from being put into new and strange situations. We travelled a fair bit- he went to pre-school in Townsville, (Australia), then to kindergarten in Chicago (a Montessori school which was terrific for him). Then back to Townsville for first grade. He got an inept teacher who turned him over her knee and spanked him on day 1- besides being against the rules and regulations, that was even against the law- but it happened and there were no adverse consequences for her. What an awful beginning. Later we transferred both sons to a really marvellous, nurturing parochial school where he did quite well. By grade 4 we were off to Germany- and it was down hill after that. Language and culture- just too much- even for only six months. He started aggressive and evasive behaviour that year. His brother, on the other hand, got a great deal out of the experience. We also tried to involve him in after-school sport. He disliked soccer and tennis and swimming - partly because he simply was not competitive enough- and that probably relates to testosterone deficiency.

I probably should mention that he was not dx'ed until he was 19, so a lot of this is hindsight analysis. I do think he needed stable surroundings to really foster his development. He is a real charmer, and makes deep friendships in benign environments. Despite the fact that his is of average or slightly above average intelligence, in strange situations he is on the back foot and defensive. When the new situation involves initiation rituals of varying degrees of unpleasantness, he really backs off. As he has matured I have observed that he thrives in supportive environments, and that his ability to handle unsupportive environments or environments he perceives as hostile is below average.

If I could relive his childhood and teen years, I would do my best to familiarise him with new environments before introducing him to them, and do all in my power to find environments for him that suit his needs. I would try to reduce the amount of change he had to deal with. Admittedly, he faced an unusual amount of change. He was in primary school in two states in Australia - and in the US and in Hong Kong - 5 schools in all. And in two different high schools. But I suspect that even if the changes were to 5 different schools in the same city the stress on him would have been nearly as great. His hostile and difficult behaviour was simply a reaction to circumstances he saw as threatening. How to reduce the threat level is the key question. I think well-informed teachers can be a big help. And educational programs that capitalise on his strengths & find alternative paths around difficult learning areas can also help. Often it is up to the parents to 'educate' the teachers and help find the programs. By the time your son grows up, you will be able to write a book on finding the right teacher and the right program.

Our son is doing well now. It would have been a lot better if we had known what we were dealing with early on, especially if he had HRT in early in puberty. It is all working out for him now. He is an in an apprenticeship in a trade he loves and has a foreman who is just what he needs- macho, a lot of fun, firm but tolerant and fair. One of those really gifted teachers of the young.

I wish you lots of patience and lots of energy to help you guide your son... and lots of good friends to talk to. You will find many of them on this list.

Sally